Isolation and Fear of Company

I’ve been infused with a certain amount of laziness the last few days. Any attempts at 10-minute magic ended weeks ago, and I used the secondary laptop about three times, with much success, though for whatever reason (laziness?) I just don’t yank it out. I get onto my beautiful little widescreen to check email and then I end up puttering.

Doesn’t help that some features of LSB run terrifically slow off the USB stick – mostly due to the old laptop having an old 1.0 USB port and not one of the newer, faster ports. It’s like I know it will be slow, so I don’t want to do it. Meanwhile at work I almost always manage something – new ideas, new scene snippets, on Spirit Cat, though Wednesday I ended up writing a scene fragment for an short story idea from the summer and yesterday nothing came at all, just read instead. I have added most of the recent notes into LSB the other day, just not all. I feel I need to sit down with some cards and start mapping things out, looking for the connections. I’m also worried that, so far, it’s a very quiet, interpersonal urban fantasy that may not have enough boom, so to speak, in the action department. All my scenes to-date are characters back and forth, either discovering the new world or arguing about it.

(But, again, if it’s for me, my entertainment is at stake, no one elses. Spirit Cat is still firmly in the, “you are writing for you, never will show it, so the only way to fail is by giving up” camp.)

I have these twin urges – communicate with others yet hide away from them at the same time. I haven’t done a damn thing with the Online Writers Workshop out of fear. I deleted Twitter from my computer because I felt like I had mispoken somewhere, and had shamed myself from every participating there again. Or worse, that I was still invisible besides all that. I was once an eager, accepted participant in several internet communities 4-8 years ago, but after my experiences there I withdrew, an octupus too afraid to reach out anymore because I’d lost too many suckers and a couple of the tentacles to boot. Now I linger, lurk, semi-camoflagued in the corners wanting to reach out but too afraid to give away my position. Why?

I know it will end badly. I know I will look foolish. I know people won’t like me.

And I only have so many tentacles left.

Which, of course, prevents me from trying anything new, learning that that isn’t the case, and stops me from moving forward.

Yet I miss it. I must, why else scour looking for threads of interest, reading, having things to say, and finding reasons not to say them? Even this blog, like other times, where I write and where no one reads, mostly because I haven’t sent the address to anyone because I’m afraid that they wouldn’t read it anyways. I will resist the urge to abandon it because no one reads it, since it’s me that keeps it hidden in the first place. Holy circular logic, Batman.

Maybe I need to embrace the Octopus? Make it my emblem, craft a motto around it?

(Fantastic…now I’m watching Octopus videos…sigh…)


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