I no longer run Nutkinland. It’s kinda sad, but thrilling at the same time. I don’t have to listen to any whining, or kvetching, listen to the heights of hypocricy, or be belittled, needled, or blamed for ruining something that was pretty fucked up in the first place.
I thought I had come to a place of, well, protection from the silliness. Not the fun silliness – that I’ll miss – but the stupid silliness. I don’t know how I was ever supposed to do things, and it seems I always did them wrong.
I never wanted to run a message board. I was flattered and honored when Nutkin asked, and I wanted to do my best. The first time I took it over, it was crippling. The second time … better … but how can you run a board when it’s someone else’s, no matter what you do, how hard you try, how many times you’re told “you’ll do fine” only to be told “you’re doing it wrong.” I’m too ‘nice’ for this job. Too liberal. Too soft. Too everything.
Well, now they can do it without me.
I thought I would feel a lot more guilty than I do. It’s not like I haven’t thought about doing this before. And it’s not like Nutkinland doesn’t have a precedent, I suppose.
I’m tired … of it. Big, exhausted sigh.
I read in one of the private forums … about how Nutkin had chosen mods that, in hindsight, didn’t mesh with the kind of place he wanted. And when he talked about what he wanted, I honest to god didn’t understand why he’d choose me in the first place. And it hurts to see him and Lynn turn their back on the Lodge, watch them posting in U-Boat, the new Lodge really. Have there been problems, yes, but do all the Lodgers left deserve that? I don’t think so.
I’m curious to see what will happen next, but I’ve removed my cookies, won’t be logging back in as Ashtal again. I want to use what time I have on productive things … not something where I got to briefly pop on and then be dragged into four hours of wasted time nashing teeth and cleaning up messes – mine and other peoples. Just don’t want to do it anymore. 🙂